is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
FUCK WHALES
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
