I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
