Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
