I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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