never play flip cup with pint glasses
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
