I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
