they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
