genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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