Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
