I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
