oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
