Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
