Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
