you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
