also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
