I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize