I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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