when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
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She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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