I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
