i love accidental penises.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
