Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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