my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
