Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
