my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
