dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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