Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
