I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
