apparently the secret to your success is patron
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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