I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
