Apparently you make a good broom.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
