You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
