Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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