Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
