Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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