This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Randomize
