i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
