Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
