there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
