The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
