ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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