It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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