She is in my trunk
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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