Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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