I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
