im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I think weed is turning my hair brown
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
