my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
