good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
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I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
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Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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