Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
