I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
