i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
