I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
