I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
