some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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