he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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