just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
